Ugly Past Pretty Future

I know I'm not the only person on earth who doesn't fancy a visit to the doctor. No matter how healthy you feel, a doctor appointment is never exciting unless you are expecting a baby maybe. A few months ago I underwent a surgery to remove my cyst. I have been seeing my doctor for routine check up ever since. And each time we talk about my recovery, I have to be reminded of what was inside of my body that could have grown worse and worse and each time we discuss that, I get to see a glimpse of what the cyst looked like from my doctor's files whether intentionally or by accident. I only see a glimpse because I refuse to look at it closely. And when I do look at it closely, it is usually because it is shown to me (as if I want to check it out again! LOL).. 

To be honest, it isn't a nice sight. I get sick to the stomach just looking at it. A hideous kind of blob, almost like an alien or one of strange substances in David Lynch's bizarre psychedelic movies. I'm glad it is out of my body now but I would rather not see it time and time again. It is good for a reminder to me of what I've been through and how God has been faithful in that journey; of how gracious He is for keeping me strong and steady while waiting for the healing He provides through those who prayed for me, through doctor and hospital treatment and everything that surrounded me. In this case, that ugly alien-looking worthless organ is a constant reminder of where I was and where I am now and I am so grateful I do not want to go back! I am moving ahead. I refuse any ties with it anymore! I am a new person :) the old has gone the new has come!

I remember reading the Scripture and find that God actually cannot stand looking at sin. Habakkuk the prophet says that His eyes are to pure to look on evil. He cannot tolerate it. I wonder how much uglier sin will look like under God's microscopic lens compared to the hideous cyst that I refuse to look at. It must be so ugly. It's probably the ugliest sight in the universe. If it separates us so far from God, if it causes Him to look away... it must be so unpleasant to see. When Jesus was crucified, God had to look away. The one who had no sin had been made sin for us so that we didn't have to bear the punishment of sin. So that in Him, we receive His righteousness.

Friends... you and me used to wear that ugly looking blob, unpleasant in our walk with the Creator. If God is so perfect, then all of us have fallen short of His standard. No matter how big or small our sin may seem, every one of us has missed the mark. Some of you may have $1000 and some others have only $10 but we are all broke and none of us can free ourselves from this debt unless the Master himself grants us remission. And this is exactly what He did! Through Christ He cancelled our certificate of debt, took it out of the way and nailed it to the cross. What we owed to God has been paid in full! Now when He sees us He sees His Son's perfection in us. It's like putting on a new robe that contains the purity of Christ. Our imperfection has been covered by someone else's righteousness. Therefore we can now come to God with confidence, knowing we are in the right standing with Him. 

But with this robe of salvation comes the obligation to walk accordingly. If you put on a ball gown you don't go swimming in it. If you wear a swimsuit you don't go to a business meeting in it. Our walk adjusts to whatever garment we wear. So walk accordingly :) I also don't look at my cyst and keep feeling sorry for myself for something that has happened in the past. Instead I choose joy for where I am now without it and where I am headed in the future (healthier, wiser me ^^) and I know I am not a victim. I am a survivor and I don't use my past circumstance as an excuse to not live life to the fullest because you know what, Christ only died once and we will live with Him for all eternity. Isn't that amazing?!

Love,
Sudi Smeeth

Jalan Yang Sama, Orang Yang Berbeda

Sore itu, kami memastikan kondisi rumah mertuaku. Empat ekor ayam betina mereka perlu dimasukkan kandang dan lain sebagainya. Edde memutuskan bahwa sore itu baik bagi dia untuk mencuci bersih mobil (akhirnya! haha..) dan kesempatan itu aku pakai untuk jogging.

Di sela perjalanan, aku menyadari betapa rindunya aku akan lingkungan sekitar rumah mertuaku, setelah delapan bulan menumpang bersama mereka sebelum kami pindah ke istana mungil kami di dekat pantai. Walaupun cuma ngontrak, setidaknya kami sudah mandiri ;)
Langkah demi langkah kuperhatikan, tidak ada yang berubah dari pemukiman sekitar situ. Namun tetap saja, ada sesuatu yang berbeda. Sesuatu yang menggelitik sanubariku (cieee..) Sesuatu itu adalah reaksiku terhadap segala hal di sepanjang jalan. Dulu pas masih tinggal di situ, aku terkadang gugup, takut-takut, dan tidak yakin akan apa yang ada di ujung jalan. Sekarang, aku berjalan dengan tegap dan pasti, karena sudah berpengalaman. Diam-diam aku berkhayal bahwa hidup mungkin akan teramat sangat mudah bila yang menjalani situasi kita sekarang ini adalah diri kita yang ada di masa depan. Yang tahu ada berapa tikungan di depan sana sebelum kita berpapasan dengan jembatan di atas danau. Yang tahu bahwa tidak ada yang perlu ditakuti, sebab dua meter lagi, akan ada jalan setapak yang memandu langkah kita. Yang dengan ketenangan mengambil keputusan tanpa bereaksi dengan lebay. Dan alay.

Jogging sore itu mengingatkan aku akan masa lalu. Masa yang kadang aku rindukan, tetapi tidak ingin lagi tinggal di dalamnya. Masa yang selalu bisa kita datangi dengan tujuan mengucap syukur kepada Tuhan, bukan untuk disesali. Masa yang selalu ada di sana bila kita menoleh ke belakang untuk melihat seberapa jauh kita sudah maju. Seberapa dewasa kita sudah bertambah. Seberapa bijak kita sudah menjadi. Seberapa kuat dan seberapa tenang kita di masa kini, oleh karena masa lalu yang pernah melatih kita untuk menjadi siapa diri kita saat ini.

YOU CAN WALK THE SAME PLACE YOU WERE BEFORE BUT AS A DIFFERENT PERSON.

Sedihnya, aku mengenal beberapa orang yang senang tinggal di masa lalu. Mereka tidak pernah terbang melampaui kungkungan cerita kuno mereka. Mereka kembali dan kembali ke jalan setapak yang sama, masih dengan mentalitas yang usang, lagi dan lagi... Dan somehow, mereka seolah tidak merasa bosan. Berpindah dari satu relasi ke relasi selanjutnya, masih dengan cara berpikir hari kemarin, ketika hubungan mereka pecah berantakan di atas lantai. Dan sekalipun Tuhan berkata tidak, mereka mengambil keputusan "ya" berkali-kali. Terus dan terus... heran mengapa seolah mereka berjalan di tempat, sementara kawan-kawan seperjuangannya sudah jauh di depan, menantikan reward-nya masing-masing.

What an irony.

Denpasar, Satu Dekade Yang Lalu

Lampu jalan tidak berubah merah, namun tetap saja aku berhenti perlahan. Ada pejalan kaki yang perlu diberikan hak untuk menyeberang di hadapan kami, lautan pengemudi. Di bawah terik mentari, di tengah keramaian, masih saja pikiran ini melayang ke awang-awang. Ada gundah di hati ini. Barangkali sudah saatnya aku mulai mandiri. Bila keputusan hidupku menuntut lepasnya kebergantungan pada keluarga, maka tenanglah hai jiwaku.. Jadilah berani, dan hadapi musik di atas panggung yang kini memanggilmu untuk menari...

Di sela perdebatanku dengan diri sendiri, ada sekelebat bayangan yang menarik perhatianku. Seorang ayah memikul galon air di bahunya. Tangannya yang bebas memegang tangan kecil di sampingnya. Seorang bocah. Berdua mereka menyeberang jalan. Ayah yang kuat dan yakin dengan langkahnya, dan seorang anak yang menggenggam tangannya tanpa memikirkan dunia. Aku tahu ini sebab anak itu, bukannya berjalan dengan gugup, menantang arus lalu lintas yang padat, tapi justru melompat-lompat kecil di depan kami. Ia tidak sekedar melintasi hiruk-pikuk dunia, tetapi juga menjalaninya dengan sukacita. Dan aku tahu darimana sukacita itu mengalir..  Tentu saja, dari kehadiran ayah yang memegang tangannya.

Bukan anak itu yang perlu cemas apakah ini waktu yang tepat untuk menyeberang jalan. Bukan anak itu yang harus memutar otak untuk tahu apakah keadaan baik-baik saja. Bukan juga tugas anak itu untuk menjadi takut dan tidak percaya diri. Semua kesusahan dunia ia percayakan pada ayah di sebelahnya. Tugas anak itu hanya satu: memegang tangan si ayah. Dan oleh sebab itu, ia sanggup melintasi jalan dengan penghiburan. 

Ketika mereka berdua sudah sampai di seberang tanpa kekurangan suatu apapun, berangsur-angsur kendaraan melaju kembali. Sambil memacu gas, tak terasa air mata ini menetes. Bapaku baru saja berbisik dengan lembut ke dalam hati ini. "Jadilah seperti anak itu.. I'm walking beside you and I've got your hand." :)

A Name on A White Pebble Stone

I had a joyful time at our Church's Vision Sunday Service yesterday. One of the things Ps Ian talked about was us as a believer given A NEW NAME and this correlates to 'self brand'. I think this is pretty cool. As I was getting ready for bed last night, my mind started wandering the verse I read in Revelations that says: "And I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it." (Rev 2 17)

I love the book of Revelations. I know some parts can be pretty scary exposition of what is to come towards the end of days. But this book also contains beautiful descriptions of the new life when everything is made perfect again. Even if they were just metaphors of the actual things, my ears and my heart just love reading and listening to this final part of the Bible. It's like watching a trailer of a fairytale movie where you find wonderful magical things in it and it warms your heart. Knowing that the end is not just a 'happily ever after' but also full of important little details we don't want to miss!

When I read this beautiful verse in Revelations chapter 2, I envisioned pretty little pebbles that are white in colour, stored for each person entering the gate of Heaven. Each one with a name engraved on it; a name that is only known by the receiver. Isn't this wonderful?

When Edde and I got married, instead of buying a conventional guest book for our guests, I decided to get a jar of pebbles, I bleached all the pebbles white and I put black sharpies next to the jar for people to write their names on one side and messages on the other side of the pebbles. I still keep that jar until today. I know everytime I look at it the memory of our wedding ceremony and reception will forever preserved with the sight of each person's name on the pebble. Those who celebrated with us. Those who shared our joy on that special night. 

I went back to the verse... I wondered, why white pebbles? Why would God choose not to get a conventional guest book either? As in my case, my decision was for the esthetic and creative purpose mainly. But I wonder if white pebbles meant a lot more than that to God.. so like most of you when faced with practical questions, I went to our good old Google search engine for an answer. There's a lot of theories I found there but there is one that captured my heart. Some say that the white pebbles are metaphor for diamonds, some say they were the opposite of black stones used in taking a poll in the ancient history. But here is one simple explanation (I haven't been to Heaven yet, so I'm not sure which one is the most accurate but let's learn together).

In the old days, the ancient Romans awarded their athletes who won a contest with white stones. On these stones inscribed the name of the athlete, which then would be used as their "ticket" to enter a special banquet (like awards dinner). This makes sense because notice that the first part of the verse says, "To everyone who is victorious..." these white stones with our secret names on it were promised to every conquerer, overcomer, victor of the great spiritual battle in our walk with God. Those who prevail are given an access to the eternal celebration in Heaven. In other words, the white pebbles are our entry tickets.

Now, NOT every name I found in my jar of white pebbles is the same name I had on my guest list. Some of them were uninvited! But that's okay. Some of the names I expected to be there did not actually turn up so there were enough seats for everyone. My point is, once their name was on the pebble, that person would get the privilege of enjoying the wedding banquet - invited or uninvited. What a connection to what was going to come when we celebrate the union of Christ and His Bride! It is a wedding feast my friend! The party was going to be wonderful and once again we will all be united with the Lover of our soul, just like it used to be in the garden of Eden..

Alright, that is pretty cool, but what about our secret names? Why is it unknown except to us who receives it and of course to God who gives it? Again, there are many interpretations on this unique description in the Bible. Some refer it to the Holy Spirit's work of conforming believers to the holiness of Christ, some resemble it to the fact that we have been adopted into the family of God. I haven't been to Heaven, so again, I cannot be very sure of the meaning behind this secret name. All I know is that God keeps His promises. But here is my perspective..

Have you got a bestfriend? Do you call each other names only you two can understand? I do. It started with my bestie calling me 'piglet' (instead of babe) and since then this nickname became a sign of our love to each other. I bought her a bracelet with a piglet charm and before I finalised my purchase, the lovely shop attendant looked at me with furrowed brows and asked, "Are you sure? She won't get offended will she?" and we both laughed. I explained to the lovely lady that 'piglet' is our intimate name for each other. A nickname only us can understand without accidentally misinterpret it.

A nickname. An intimate way to call each other. Imagine what cute nickname God has in mind for you and me... A new name only you yourself can catch the meaning. A familiar utterance shared just between you and God in the secret place. To me, this new name implies a deep closeness with the One who gives name. I can imagine being handed the white pebble at the gate of Heaven and as I take a look at what it reads, my lips slowly curl into a smile and then a soft laugh and then a forever joy as I run towards the wedding banquet, running and giggling! Into the open arms of the Father.. Knowing that I am known, so known.. 

Check this verse written by Paul the Apostle to the church in Corinth:

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Isn't it wonderful?

Sudi